


close over

by guonlon



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Disbandment AU uwu, M/M, Panwink Sparks Fly Fic Fest!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 21:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13796706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guonlon/pseuds/guonlon
Summary: Guanlin, the boy who rarely cries, tries to convince Jihoon these are happy tears, but Jihoon knows after tonight, they start 2019 on different paths.It's the end of Wanna One, but do they really have to end, too?





	close over

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was written for the Panwink Sparks Fly Fic Fest organised by Jess (@slackeuse)!! Do check out other fics in this fic fest too, the links can all be found on Twitter (@sparksfly2033)!
> 
> Anyway, this is my very first fic (!!) so I hope you will all look upon this kindly and enjoy it irregardless of my skills!
> 
> The title was inspired by Jeong Sewoon's Close Over.

The days leading up to disbandment didn’t feel any different. It was just like normal, them practicing for their finale concert as if it wasn’t their last, just one of those random concerts they always do, finishing up their last commercials and endorsements as Wanna One. No one spoke about it, although it hung in the air, the fact that in a week’s time, Wanna One would cease to exist as nothing but a good memory that passed by too fast.

Jihoon could feel everyone’s mood change, with Jisung hyung’s hugs getting tighter, like he was afraid to let go. Minhyun hyung’s smiles getting softer, his gaze filled with more love. Where there was playful recklessness in the past, working hard yet leaving everything to the flow, everyone started to become more serious, putting in extra effort to bring Wannables one last good moment. But the worst part about separating wasn’t about leaving Wanna One behind, but leaving each other, leaving his brothers. Leaving Guanlin.

Jihoon looked up at the stage which their finale concert would be held on, clutching his water bottle tightly. They were having their last rehearsal before the first show started in two days’ time and it was pretty silent, everyone off practicing on their own. The bright lights of the vast arena shone down on the stage, where some of the members stood. Looking at Guanlin, who was doing the choreography alone with the expression he always had when he was concentrating, Jihoon took a sip and felt the water get bitter as it went down his throat.

Hardworking, determined, strong Guanlin, who Jihoon’s heart had started to gravitate towards ever since he walked into the Produce 101 room, white hoodie standing out against perfectly styled jet black hair. Jihoon didn’t want to, he _couldn’t_ imagine not having Guanlin next to him, mornings without Guanlin’s sleepy face beaming at him with a brightness that rivaled the rising sun, nights overseas without Guanlin “accidentally, I was sleepwalking!” hugging him as they slept.

He’d never admit it directly, but there wasn’t once where he didn’t wish they could stay like that forever, warm and happy in Guanlin’s arms. Jihoon suddenly thought back to the time where he was still a student in high school, where this nugget of information somehow stuck in his head despite him never listening. He realised his behaviour was just like Newton’s 3rd Law – for every force, there was an equal and opposite reaction. The more he pretended to resist Guanlin’s affection, the more he secretly loved and craved it. Who said only Ongniel was science?

All that was coming to an end in 7 days, and Jihoon could only helplessly watch as the sands of time slipped out of his fingers, the grains of it too fine for him to hold on to.

Guanlin caught him looking and waved, lips curling up in a warm smile. Jihoon just looked away like he always did when he was caught staring at Guanlin (it wasn’t his fault the boy was so terribly good looking or that he just couldn’t stop). He never liked for others to see him flustered or shy, especially when they were the cause of it. He hated how he wasn’t able to show his affections openly unlike the other members. That was something he’d felt sorry for in the beginning, but the members knew he loved them despite his inability to Loving Affection, which he was really grateful for. He preferred acting like the tough cookie he was and disturbing them (Woojin especially could testify).

Especially Guanlin, who constantly showered affection towards everyone, never shied away from clinging onto Jihoon the most even when he rarely physically returns anything back, even though he wanted to, he just didn’t know how to go about doing it. They were two opposites when it came to showing love, where Jihoon tended to show it through subtle actions or teasing, and Guanlin through physical affection.

Jihoon had always run away from his growing feelings, so he tended to act more aloof than he naturally already was. He still felt sorry that even though he acted like this, Guanlin didn’t go away, felt bad that he might be hurting because of Jihoon’s inability to get over himself. Two years had passed and he was still apprehensive about facing it. But he also knew that time was running out and he should try to figure it out as soon as possible, after avoiding it for so long, or completely forget it if he wasn’t planning to do anything about it (the latter seemed the most probable).

But he still looked back up at Guanlin and shot him a smile, for all they had been through and all they would soon cease to be. The brighter grin that Guanlin returned let him know that he knew Jihoon cared for him, which was enough for Jihoon. He was content staying like this.

 

* * *

 

Time had finally caught up to the supposed immortality that you’d expect a legendary rookie group to possess. The week passed by in a flurry of activities, a blur that Jihoon couldn’t even feel the true weight of. Last CF shooting, last fansign, last concerts, last everything as Wanna One. They’d even finished their final concert with heavy hearts and tears, so much that it could fill oceans. They cried so much that there was nothing left to cry out anymore, an empty feeling settling in their chests. Jihoon was exhausted after crying his eyes out, and so was everyone else.

The van ride back to the luxury dorm they called home for the past year to spend their last night together was strange, to say the least. It wasn’t that no one wanted to talk, but they were all consumed in their own thoughts, not saying a word as a somber mood settled over the atmosphere. God only knows how hard it was backstage after the concert, with mostly everyone bawling and hugging each other, a million unspoken words evident in their red-rimmed and puffy eyes.

Everything they could’ve wanted to say and everything they did say would never be able to fully express the sadness of all this being finally over inside. It was this, that made them unable to say much still, for their words would never reach the degree of how they truly felt.

Jihoon thought back to the moment they were announced as Wanna One, when the expiry date of them was set for December 2018. Back then, it felt like there was still a ways to go, with a year and a half in front of them to promote. Even when he was conscious of the fact that it would pass by in a blur, it was still faster than he thought. The day had finally come.

When they reached, they all crammed together in one suite (it was big enough anyway). Living in two separate suites after the move from their old dorm meant that they didn’t really gather as 11 members often after coming back from schedules and just went straight to rest in their own spacious rooms.

It made Jihoon a little sad that they couldn’t spend every little moment they had together, even just breathing and living together in the same unit. He missed the days when they lived in the old, small dorm and had to learn to live with each other’s habits being in such close proximity. He wouldn’t say that they’ve drifted apart after the move, because they really hadn’t, but it was just… going from seeing 10 other dumb faces first thing in the morning and last thing in the night, it was now 5 faces for him, and living with Woojin’s ragged snoring at night (which he was happy for, no matter how many times he’d thrown his soft toy at him to shut up).

Most of all, he missed living in the same room as Guanlin, where it was easier to talk about things and just spend time in each others’ presence just before they went to bed.

Every week, however, they all gathered in one suite, mostly theirs, and just played simple things like Mafia together, as Jisung wanted them to play and bond together as much as possible. The fact that tonight was going to be their last night together as 11… no more living together with the members he considered as family any longer. His home that he found in them, his constants.

Tonight called for them sitting in a circle in the spacious living room, knees touching each other’s. Jinyoung was on his left and Seongwu on his right, beside Guanlin, who seemed like he wanted to go over to Jihoon when they took their seats but hesitated for a second, in which Seongwu came and sat. He knew of the younger’s deep affection towards him and felt apologetic for always not initiating to come to him first.

Minhyun suggested they go around a circle and say nice things they’ve always wanted to say to every other member, but before any words even came, tears flowed out first, mainly from Jisung, the ever-precious emotional leader, the best Jihoon could ever ask for. It was always heartbreaking to hear sad and sentimental words being said especially when the speaker was choking back sobs, and Jihoon didn’t know how much more his heart would break over the course of this solemn night.

It continued like this, with words that only struck chords within him and further turned on his taps, even though his eyes felt like they were going to fall out. All of them, who only had so much love for one another, would always be together in heart, he knew. He hoped.

As for what Guanlin had to say about him… he only said this: “As I said before, Jihoon-hyung, you are someone I can’t live without. From the first time I saw you… I really wanted to get to know you because you were just so cool, and now that I do, you’ve become someone irreplaceable to me. And I…” He’d paused, swallowing, eyes downcast like he suddenly couldn’t face Jihoon. “I… Thank you for your guidance and friendship.”

Guanlin’s sweet words, despite being short, hit his heart like little arrows, like the ones that hurt from Cupid’s bow. He thought he saw tears glinting in the younger’s eyes, but in the dark living room and through his own blurry ones, he couldn’t be sure. He’d seemed as if he wanted to say something that he didn’t, though, and Jihoon wondered just what it was. He knew Guanlin wasn’t someone who liked to express his real thoughts despite his natural eloquence, regardless of the language. He still wanted to know what he really thought about him, after the past two years.

Yeah, Guanlin showed a lot of love towards Jihoon, but he couldn’t be sure if this love was from a younger boy to someone he admired and looked up to, or something else entirely. Even if it was the first kind, Jihoon would just have to confirm that his feelings were dumb and stupid and pointless, like he’d tried to tell himself since forever ago. But it was a little too late to want to uncover this further, when they’d be separated in a few hours, whisked off by their respective companies.

After hours of talking, crying, laughing because of Seongwu’s dramatic whale cry noises in an attempt to lighten the ton-heavy mood, then crying again, Jisung sent them to bed at 4am with the facetious statement of “having to enjoy our comfy, luxury king sized beds for the last time.” In 6 hours, their individual vans would come. At the end of Wanna One’s road together, 11 divergent paths stood ahead.

Jihoon walked back to his shared room with Woojin in a daze. He didn’t want to think about how he was currently walking away from the rest of his family, just like how tomorrow would be. Woojin reached for his hand and squeezed it as they went into the room, no other words needed.

Jihoon wanted to cry yet again because of Woojin’s gesture that meant to comfort him, letting him know they’d never really be separated, no matter the physical and other distances.

Later, when they were both in their beds, neither was really asleep despite the emotionally draining day. Jihoon laid awake, his heart beating so loudly he could hear it against his pillow. He took notice of Woojin tossing and turning, the rustling of his sheets. A little while more, the sound stopped and the sound of faint snoring came instead. Jihoon smiled sadly to himself. He would miss the annoyingly endearing sleeping habits of his best brother, the snoring like a lullaby to his ears just for this night.

With burning, swollen eyes, he turned to face the dark ceiling, wishing the morning would come slower, or never come at all. It was almost as if, in his delirious state, their past memories were being projected on the blank ceiling. He saw their first win as Wanna One, the day he’d first coined the name Pink Sausages, how he’d epicly beaten Daniel in the boss level of their favourite game, the very first time Guanlin slid into his bed and hugged him while they slept, warm in his arms.

A feeling he craved more than sleep at this very moment.

Before he knew it, his feet were on the ground, taking him out of the room, towards the direction of the unit next door. He kept thinking of how tonight was the _last_ , the last chance he could be together with the members like usual. He didn’t stop until he was right outside Guanlin’s door, suddenly the panel of wood and what lay beyond it causing hesitation in the midst of his sudden courage.

 _Well, I’m already here_ , he thought to himself. _Fuck it._

He pushed open the door slowly, finding it unlocked. The room was dark, save for a wide sliver of curtain that was drawn back, illuminating the still figure on the bed, back facing him. As he turned around to shut the door, Jihoon could hear Guanlin’s controlled breathing, meaning he was awake.

When he headed over to the bed, Guanlin was already looking at him with confusion. “Hyung? Is anything wrong?” he said, voice hoarse, eyes wide.

Jihoon felt his cheeks heat up and thanked the lord for the dark that concealed it. Why did he think this was a good idea again? He swallowed, trying to think of a good reason to tell Guanlin, because he couldn’t possibly say ‘I came in here because I want to hug you for the last time’, could he? “I…”

“Come here,” Guanlin shifted towards the left, making space before Jihoon had even found the words to say. Guanlin always knew what to do despite it.

He climbed in underneath the warm covers, and lay there facing the curious-looking maknae. Guanlin didn’t move, and neither did he dare to. They were so close that Jihoon could feel the other’s breath tickling his nose.

He didn’t know where Guanlin had gotten the courage from, to keep staring into Jihoon’s eyes when Jihoon himself felt like he was on fire and wanted to look away, but couldn’t.

Then, Guanlin smiled, the corners of his lips lifting up, the sadness in it a far contrast from his usual gummy smiles. “Jihoon hyung.”

“Hmm?” Jihoon suddenly wanted to reach out to him. He’d always thought it was impossible for Guanlin to look any better than he already did. Guess he was wrong then, because he looked so impossibly beautiful in this moment, and his name just escaped those lips, too – shit, his heart was about to explode. Every feeling he’d been denying he held for the boy suddenly threatened to spill over the dam he’d built.

“I’ll miss you. Like, really miss you,” Guanlin said, that sad smile still on his face. He inhaled, and with it Jihoon held his own breath, his heart beating so loudly it could serve as the drums for whatever sad OST song that would be playing in the background if this scene was in a drama.

He continued, “And I’m just going to say this now because if not now, I don’t know when the chance will come again. I’m so scared of what’s going to happen after today, hyung. But if there’s something I’m quite certain of, it’s that I cannot forget you. I’ll never forget you, how you were one of my first friends in Produce 101, how you helped me when I was down, how you always listened to me, like you’re doing right now,” Guanlin laughed then, a soft chuckle, his dimple making an appearance and igniting a flame in Jihoon somewhere.

“Most of all, how you’re someone that makes me feel like… like I matter. I want to perform with you, live with you and be next to you for a very long time, longer than what we already had…” he trailed off.

Jihoon couldn’t say anything, feeling his throat get uncomfortable as tears threatened to appear. He wanted to tell Guanlin just how much he mattered, how his universe wouldn’t be the same if the vast space wasn’t filled up with the matter that was Lai Guanlin to him. To his surprise, though, it wasn’t him who cried – but Guanlin, whose eyes started to sparkle with droplets.

Jihoon didn’t know what to do, his hand reaching to wipe off the stray tear that slid down Guanlin’s cheek, glistening in the faint city light against his porcelain skin.

“Don’t cry, Guanlin-ah,” Jihoon said, flustered. Guanlin rarely cried, so the fact that he was doing so now kind of shocked Jihoon. He was never good at comforting crying people to begin with, either.

As Jihoon’s hand came into contact with his soft cheek, he felt a cold hand grab onto his wrist. Guanlin smiled, but it didn’t really reach his eyes, even though they turned into crescents. Blinking rapidly, he shifted a little until he was even closer to Jihoon. “I’m not crying because I’m sad, hyung. I’m just thankful that I met you. I was happy with you.”

The use of the tense ‘was’ struck Jihoon hard in the gut. He didn’t want them to just be something in the past. Especially when that ‘something’ was never made clear, it was just something they’d both lived with and never dared to change. If it was going to change now, what a sad story it would be indeed.

But a sad story was better than one that would end.

Guanlin was looking straight into his eyes like Jihoon was the only thing he needed, tears still brimming in them, and it broke Jihoon’s heart to see the ever-strong boy looking so unlikely vulnerable. He knew Guanlin’s tears were because he was indeed sad about having to part, where they would not be able to be together like this anymore.

“Hyung,” Guanlin said, barely a whisper, much like the ghost of his thumb brushing across Jihoon’s wrist, “stay with me.”

Jihoon had made up his mind to stop hiding his true feelings any longer because he knew he’d regret it, which drove him to move his hand downwards so it was holding Guanlin’s, interlocking their fingers. They’ve done this many times before, but yet again Jihoon marvelled the fit of his hand in Guanlin’s, not wanting this to be the last time, wanting this and every other time after to be different.

“I’m staying with you, Guanlin. Not just for today, but for a very long time, through every uncertainty that we might face after daybreak,” he said softly, looking back into Guanlin’s eyes that slowly started to sparkle yet again – not with tears, but with something resembling happiness this time. “Don’t say things like ‘was’. I hope you’re always going to be happy, with or without me, but you’ll always have me.”

The smile on Guanlin’s face that followed his words positively shined, and Jihoon felt free for finally being able to promise Guanlin something, something that made him smile, no less. Seeing him happy made Jihoon feel like a winner.

Hand in hand, just like they were now, Jihoon wanted to walk with Guanlin forever, into the new day tomorrow and a new life for the both of them. He was going to do everything he could to fight against this cruel fate that might have planned to tear them apart. Their relationship was ambiguous to say the least, but Jihoon knew he’d always been drawn to their maknae. He felt compelled to protect and love him in more ways than a friend or a brother would, and sometimes, like now, kiss him, which was kind of scary.

He could feel the returned affections (in what way, he still was unsure) in their accidental hand-touching, deliberate hand holding, one too many cuddling sessions, the younger’s constant pestering for kisses on the cheek. And he liked it, despite never initiating anything, acting like he didn’t really care even when in truth he felt like he was on fire because of the warmth Guanlin had always given him.

It was like that for Daehwi and Jinyoung too, in Produce 101, until they finally got together and annoyed the living shit out of the rest of the members with endearingly cute public displays of affection (in a good way) and the occasional petty fight. Jihoon hoped they’d stay like that forever, too, the both of them were made for each other. Wanna One might have broken up but it wouldn’t really break the bonds between the members, he prayed. Especially those with their own story to tell between them.

He regretted taking so long to figure it out, on disbandment day of all days, too, but he had no one to blame for this cruel fate but himself.

“Hyung… you mean it? You’ll stay with me forever? No matter what happens?” Guanlin’s grip on his hand tightened, his eyes full of hope.

“I promise,” Jihoon nodded, suddenly aware of the distance (or lack of it) between them, a million crazy emotions running through his mind, like it had been the whole day.

“Not even this?”

Nothing could’ve prepared his heart for what happened next, though, when Guanlin’s lips were suddenly on his in a swift movement, with an eagerness rivalling Jihoon when he ate chicken.

It felt like two puzzle pieces finally fitting together. Jihoon tensed at first, but then relaxed into it, moving forward so their lips were pressed together even more.

This could be the only good thing that came out of such a sad day, knowing that the boy he had always liked for two years might just like him back the way he did. Two years, Park Jihoon, two years of longing to do this and still, it wasn’t him who made the first move. It was never him, and the fact that he’d been passing off Guanlin’s constant clinginess as simple adoration made him want to laugh at himself, if only he’d dared to done something earlier.

He slowly sucked on Guanlin’s bottom lip, eliciting a soft gasp from him, a sound that made Jihoon himself want to yell. His hand moved to cup Guanlin’s cheek, feeling like he could hold on to this fragile moment, like he could hold on to him for a long time despite the reality of separation. Everything he had been holding back came crashing in waves, rocking like the rhythm of their deepening kiss. Guanlin tasted better than he ever imagined, perhaps because this was no longer an imagination.

It could be just the fear and emotions of having disbanded today that led Guanlin to kiss him all of a sudden, in the heat of the moment, Jihoon’s subconcious reminded him. But he was here, the littlest chance of possible reciprocrated feelings in front of him, and he thought he’d paid off the last of his regrets that came out of his time with Wanna One.

So he kissed Guanlin with everything he was sorry he couldn’t say before, everything he’d been unable to express until now, his heart lit with the brightest fire of courage before the daylight threatened to snuff it out.

It was Guanlin who pulled away, too, short of breath but grinning in the way that made the corner of his eyes crinkle, and Jihoon still thought he was brighter than the hint of dawn that began to creep its way up the horizon beyond the city skyline.

“Especially not this, you fool, if anything you just convinced me further,” Jihoon chuckled.

“So… you like me too? The Park Jihoon, who shook Korea with just one wink, do you like me?” Guanlin teased, and Jihoon’s heart dared to hope again with the younger’s implication that he liked him.

It was an irony, how today was supposed to be the end of Wanna One, but it gave way to a possible new beginning between the both of them. He was so unclear of just how they’d manage this, even a friendship, between crazy new promotions and probably being too busy to even see each other. Jihoon was honestly scared of having to lose Guanlin as soon as he finally managed to do something about his once hopeless looking crush.

But he was willing to try and rearrange their stars, he’d pull them together in the same orbit with his bare hands if he had to. Yes, they were about to be separated. Yes, Wanna One had _disbanded_. So what?

The bittersweet rollercoaster led Jihoon to think that the future was a scary place, so focusing on what he had right in front of him in this moment hurt much less than being stuck in the fear of the uncertainty that lay ahead, and might be even better too. It was like taking a rollercoaster in the dark – you’re not actually scared of the rollercoaster itself, but you’re scared because you don’t know where it might take you next.

Seeing Guanlin, the boy he wanted to protect and love for a long time, smiling sweetly at him, Jihoon’s heart was eased, if only for that little bit.

“I do, so much, Guanlin-ah. I’m sorry it took such a long time, especially on today of all days.”

“Better late than never, hyung,” Guanlin smiled as he pulled Jihoon in for another kiss, the smile still lingering on his sweet lips.

Because of today, Jihoon’s heart had felt like it was being wrenched out of his chest, but now he’d irrevocably given it to Guanlin, like it had been his all along. With a promise to keep trying and the knowledge that nothing could separate two hearts yearning for each other sealed in sweet kisses, it was how they walked into a new day and the start of a new life at the end of another together.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaand that's it, hope you guys enjoyed it! If you ever come across this and wish to give some feedback (please do), please leave a comment! :D 
> 
> Thank you for reading this and coming this far!


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